Dear Fanfiction Authors
by l8rg8r123
Summary: Alex finds out about this fandom. A collection of letters from the fiction to the fan.
1. Part I

**Guess what, I'm mental, so I merged two chapters together to make it LONGER! WOOT! SAS interview...to be here soon. I've been gone for a while, with school and stuff, so sorry I couldn't complete it.**

_Dear Fanfiction Authors_

Dear Fanfiction Authors,

Hi, bonjour, hola, aloha, ni-hao, hello. It's Alex Rider. You may know me, you may not. Of course you know me, you write about me.

I recently discovered this site called _fanfiction-com ._ Great site. Wonderful Harry Potter fictions.

But something struck me as odd when I saw my name under the list. Naturally, being MI6's...um, agent, hypothetically, I clicked it.

Bad choice.

Which is why I thought I should post this letter. It would take me too long for me to type it out, so I'm going to use bullets. I know you readers don't like long paragraphs, anyway.

Romance Fictions.

-First off, I would like to say that THERE ARE NO OTHER TEENAGE SPIES IN THE WORLD. Especially _female_ teenage spies. Trust me, I hang out with girls, they are not spy material. They care about their nails too much.

-Second, even if there were, the CIA wouldn't employ them. If they did, I am going to kick their asses because they lied to me and used me.

-Third, how can a girl be supremely pretty, know karate, play soccer, shoot a target with deadly accuracy, have perfect timing, never get acne, never smell even days after being locked up, and still find time to dress like a baby prostitute all at once? If I could find a girl like that, the world has ended and I am in heaven.

-Fourth, what is with the me/Wolf romance things out there? I mean, he's great and all, but I'm pretty sure I'm straight. And I'm pretty sure Wolf is straight too. Wait, I mean, I AM straight, and Wolf...well, we had our ideas, but when he sent Eagle to the hospital wing, we stopped making fun of right then and there.

Action Fictions:

-Right, about these action fics. The only thing I see most occurring is YASSEN GREGOROVICH coming back. I know he's dead, I watched him dying...shit. I didn't see him die. SHIT! Nevermind, you guys are the best. You can...foretell.

-Another thing is how some of the action scenes are fake. I can't roundhouse kick a bloke in the stomach at the same time I punch a guy in the face. I would if I could, but I can't so I won't.

-Jack dies? Those fictions made me want to go and wallow for a while. I was hoping to move out before Jack died.

-Me...dying. Wow. Uhm, I'm not really like that one Harry Potter character, Sirius Black, who did all that fantastic stuff in his life, but got killed by drapery. If I have saved the world seven times, I think I would be more careful around people wielding guns and knives. At least make my death something I couoldn't get out of.

General Fictions.

-I hope you guys know I was a sarcastic typical teen. Why don't I act like that?

-Timelines. I was born in 1987. I am, in fact, 21 right now. My own damn author can't figure that out.

-Crossovers...I've never seen/heard of anyone named Max, Iggy, Fang, whatever. I read the books, Maximum Ride, and it would exciting to meet them, but they're five kids and a dog who fly. Flying is what Superman and mosquitoes do. Harry Potter- One really good one came up, and soon, we have twenty. Think original plotlines, mate.

Oh, and have a few of you ever heard of spellcheck? God, reading a few is like going back to primary school.

Okay, when I ignore all the false facts and all the fake scenes and all the perfect girlfriends I can never have, I am still really bugged by something that goes by the name of _grammar._

**grammar: **an account of these features; a set of rules accounting for these constructions: _a grammar of English._ A basic set of rules. **Note the **_**BASIC**_**.**

**homonyms** (hom-uh-nimz):Two words that sound alike and may even be spelled alike but have different meanings, such as _trunk_ (meaning part of an elephant) and _trunk_ (meaning a storage chest).

The most reoccurring ones are also the _simplest _ones.

There, their and they're. (Look there!; Their jackets are yellow; They're loony.)

Our and are. (How the hell can you get those mixed up?!)

Your and you're. (Again. How? You're--you are. That's why there's a bloody ' there.)

Whose and who's. (Look above for obvious reasons why you shouldn't get these mixed up. Who's--who is.)

it's, its, and its'. (It's means _it is_. Its is a possessive term, _the bear shook its head.)_

Look. I know the English language is hard. It's grammatically incorrect, it contradicts itself, it has many confusing rules, and it's spelled differently on different sides of the world.

But if it has a ' then it's two words that are combined together, otherwise known as a CONTRACTION.

**Contraction: a shortened form of a word or group of words, with the omitted letters often replaced in written English by an apostrophe, **_**isn't**_ **for **_**is not, dep't**_ **for **_**department.**_

It's not a difficult concept to grasp.

God, I should be a teacher...and to think I wanted to be the train driver.

The last thing in today's lesson, class, is the difficult concept of _whom_ or _who_.

WHO is a subjective pronoun. WHOM is an objective case.

**Who** **is that crippled old man in the distance? (subject)**

**The men, four of whom are dead, were threatened by Scorpia. (object)**

Put it this way: if you can put _who_ in a sentence as long as you can substitute the who for the subjects name.

IE: Alan Blunt is that crippled old man in the distance.

And if that confuses you, or you don't have grammar check, or spell check, there's this thing called Google. You type in a word, and it searches the Internet for things that are related to the word!

So, not only can it provide you information and direct answers, it can do in less than a second. Take that, Jesus.

Regards,

Alex.

PS. Don't think I'm not telling Sabina about this. Because I am. She's gonna be pissed. You know, she's not really mean...A bit much at times, but really...once you get to know her...

* * *


	2. Spoof Letter

**OKAY IT'S OFFICIAL: I HAVE MORE REVIEWS ON THIS STORY THAN MY OTHER ONE THAT HAS BEEN UP FOR TWO WEEKS LONGER. AMAZING.**

**Sorry, got a bit excited there.**

**I love you guys! You seriously make my day! And the ideas and the corrections and they are all totally awesome! I have replied to most of your reviews (if I had something besides Thank You to say) but I can't read your replies, sorry. If you've seen "my" profile page, you would know that Person 1 has the account under her name and e-mail, so now I'm probably flooding her inbox.**

**So, as a present (or something symbolic like that) I have made 2 (yes! Two!) more letters in Alex and Sabina POV. I tried to make them longer than 700 words, but I was running out of stuff to write about in Alex's POV.**

**This is letter is a spoof, by the way. A joke thing. Very short, OOC, and very crazy/random.silly. Technically, I have 3 (yes! Three!) letters for all my awesome readers out there!  
**

**Enjoy.**

* * *

Dear Fanfiction Authors,

It has been awhile, but I have returned, because a certain Person 2 has told me of the reviews.

So I decided to come back and celebrate that I now have over seven hundred stories about myself and all the stupid people I've encountered.

But now that the celebrating is over, I have one thing on my mind—the originality of the plots.

Do you realize that Anthony Hororwitz always has a different plot? Sure, it was the same "I save the world because that's how cool I am" but it was always different.

The plots here are reoccurring.

-I go on a mission with a girl too pretty and good for her own good.

-My class goes to train with the military at the SAS camp.

-I go on a mission with a girl too pretty and good for her own good.

-I fall in love with Yassen's daughter. Or Dr. Tanner's daughter. Or the hot-dog man whose cart I blew up in a book's daughter. Or Herod Sayle's daughter.

-I go on a mission with a girl too pretty and good for her own good.

Are you seeing a repetition here?

My class going to train with the military is getting VERY overused. And I think it just recently occurred, starting with a certain over 800+ reviewed fic. Do you want to know why she got so many reviews, something that you authors worship? SHE HAD AN ORIGINAL IDEA. When you see how it got so many reviews and decide to make one yourself, it's not original any more.

There are some people (cough Person 2 cough) that make up _original _plots (cough Trust No One cough) that are actually _underreviewed_ (Person 2 is standing over me with a gun telling me advertise her story) but they don't come around often. So let's generate some plot lines.

-I would really like to see a classmates view on my absences. Wouldn't that be an interesting read?

-Maybe the Christmas mornings from before MI6.

-My birthdays; how were they different? How were they the same?

-A story on my mom and dad. An epic, 10+ chapter story.

-Uncle Ian's last moments.

Wait. I'll be right back.

THIS IS P2 SPEAKING: ALEX RIDER HAS LEFT BECAUSE HE HAS GROWN TOO SENTIMENTAL OVER GENERATING IDEAS.

HE BE BACK ARRIVE SHORTLY.

* * *

**A/N: It's times like these I know I should be in an insane asylum. It's amazing I'm not on some sort of illegal substance. I'm working on Alex III (Real Version) right now, so it should be up soon.  
**


	3. Part II

The Non-Spoof Letter, Alex Part III

I still own nothing. This is more IC and serious. And check out my little spin-off, A List Of Sarcastic Sayings, that I made because Alex simply isn't sarcastic enough in these fictions.

If anyone would like to make an Ultimate Guide to Alex Rider Fanfiction, I was planning on doing one, but I'm all Fiction-meets-Fanned out.

Thanks to the reviewers! I just realized I may not be able to squeeze Sabina in, because I have to take some relatives to the airport.

And I made up something awesomely awesome that we can call ourselves: The Alex Writers! Because Rider sounds like Writer...get it? I know I'm lame, but that's what I'm going to call everyone here now XD.

**I, _l8rg8r123_, am an Alex Writer. If you too are an Alex Writer, copy and paste this on your profile with your pen-name!**

* * *

Dear Fanfiction Authors, Alex Writers, Suethors, and Other.

It has been awhile, but I have returned, as I saw that we hit the 700 stories mark quite a while ago.

But still, about half of these stories never cease to disappoint me.

Do you realize that Anthony Hororwitz always has a different plot? The plots here are reoccurring at horrifically HIGH numbers. Think original stories, authors.

Not any of the following:

-I go on a mission with a girl too pretty and good for her own good.

-My class goes to train with the military at the SAS camp.

-I go on a mission with a girl too pretty and good for her own good.

-I fall in love with Yassen's daughter. Or Dr. Tanner's daughter. Or the hot-dog man whose cart I blew up in a book's daughter. Or Herod Sayle's daughter.

-I go on a mission with a girl too pretty and good for her own good.

Are you seeing a repetition here?

My class going to train with the military is getting VERY overused. And I think it just recently occurred, starting with a certain over 800+ reviewed fic. Do you want to know why she got so many reviews, something that you authors worship? SHE HAD AN ORIGINAL IDEA. When you see how it got so many reviews and decide to make one yourself, it's not original any more.

We need to work together to generate new plot lines, as so:

-I would really like to see a classmate's view on my absences. Wouldn't that be an interesting read?

-Maybe the Christmas mornings from before MI6.

-My birthdays; how were they different? How were they the same?

-A story on my mom and dad. An epic, 10+ chapter story. I don't even remember them.

-Uncle Ian's last moments.

Copying people's plot is good, after all, imitation is the most sincerest form of flattery, but you do not need to overwhelm the person with so much flattery. It's possible to die from over-flattery: The author faints from all the reviews, she smacks her head on something jagged and pointy, then it's RIP for the poor authoress, when all she did was come up with a new plot idea.

Now that I'm done preaching about plots, I can get to the one other big problem I'm seeing here.

_I suck at summaries._

_It's better than it sounds._

_Just read and review, NO FLAMES!_

_Not a Mary-Sue._

Those people should realize that if they took out all of there little messages, they would get more reviews, something they want, and not get people skimming over and saying, "Yay. A summary that sucks."

At the very least, do the best you can. Use a teaser. Take a quote. Give them the plot. Give them information about the story, such as AU, OC, OOC, Slash, etc.

If you have to write _It's better than it sounds,_ it can't be good, because if all you write is it sounds better than the summary, well, your summary isn't there...

No flames? No flames makes me want to go and insult their story...if you understand what I mean, Reverse psychology. Something Alan Blunt happens to be good at.

Not a Mary Sue. REVERSE PSYCHOLOGY. If you have to inform people that your character isn't a Mary Sue, then your OC is quite obviously a Mary Sue.

Well, that's all.

Regards,

Alex.

* * *

**A/N: Ooh, Alex is one hard-core criticizer. Harsh. Lol. No fiction was targeted, just sticking the stereotypes where they belong. And a lot of the fictions here are AWESOME! But Alex has always been a magnet for bad things, so...**

**Review you get a cyber-cookie or an Alex Rider figurine!**

**Is anyone gonna copy and paste the copy and pasty thingy? Just wondering.**

**I, l8rg8r123, am an Alex Writer. If you too are an Alex Writer, copy and paste this on your profile with your pen-name!**


	4. Sabina

**Okay, this is not so much as enforcing the general rules of literature as much as the characterization of Sabina in this fandom, so there probably won't be any preachings of grammar or how to write summaries.**

* * *

Dear Whoever the Hell You Are.

Hi. Guess who I am.

Yep, the preppy, mean, self-absorbed annoying little brat that doesn't get that much attention here, but was so important to the Skeleton Key and Eagle Strike plots.

Why do you guys hate me so much? I'm not mean. I judged the boys in South France because I was bored. I'm older than Alex, so I don't see why I would be in the same grade and age as him in all of this fanfictional mess. I'm most definitely _not_ preppy, seeing as preps are never mean. So there, you just contradicted yourself.

It's called continuity, people. I am obviously not at fault here.

I am not self-absorbed. I like my eyes, big deal. I'm not an annoying narcissist. Do you want to see an annoying narcissist? Select "Romance" in the drop-down menu thing and wait for the 7 pages to load.

I'm not _that_ bad. I like sports, dirty jokes, and shopping. I live in America. When I was 15-going-on-16, I accompanied a young super spy on a mission. I got threatened to have my finger cut off, had said teen super spy not given Cray the stupid flash drive. I can be b-tchy at times, but aren't all women?

And then came the time that I kissed Alex. Okay, so the line "I think you're way cuter than James Bond" is a bit corny, but I was young back then. I'm much better now.

And I know you have a forum called "Let's Cause Bodily Harm To Sabina!" I mean, really? Seriously, really? I would be fine if it weren't the MOST RESPONDED FORUM. I actually kind of respected you guys before. You gave my author money.

But now, you're all calling me "perfect" and "annoying". And then you go and create your perfect little annoying "Mary- Sues". You say that girls can't be pretty and sporty at the same time, then you go create a girl that has "flawless skin", "gorgeous eyes", and "good at sports."

Ding Ding, sounds like we have a hypocrite in the house.

AND ALL OF THIS BECAUSE I BLOODY KISSED ALEX RIDER.

I wasn't his first girlfriend, and I definitely wasn't his last. I helped him on the mission because that's what I try to do—help. Sure, I caused his missions to have more drama than necessary, but that's life.

If I were a lawyer, you would all be facing MAJOUR lawsuits.

Love,

Sabina Pleasure

* * *

**If anyone from "Let's Cause Bodily Harm to Sabina!" would like me to take down the name, please leave me a review. This account is under a friend's e-mail. Actually, I really liked the different ways you killed her--it was hilarious! And FYI, I know plenty of girls that are pretty and sporty, dress in Abercrombie, and attract a lot of boys...  
**

**Is it me, or is Alex Rider a Gary Stu?**


	5. Re: Dear Alex

**A/N: Okay, lovely readers, I am really upset. I was going to make a cute interview with Wolf on how the SAS camps that you keep sending Alex and his class to go to REALLY are, but whenever I Googled "SAS Camps" all I got was School Age Services...WTF?**

**So I was going to stick the military school stereotype in, but then people would flame me for it, and I don't think flames are good, as the rest of the fanfiction author's should agree with me on. Ugh, so I decided to reply to Nyxelestia's response oneshot, which you should read, because she made me rethink my letters. I made this in the form of an e-mail, just for fun. And if you think the self-insert thing is lame and pointless, I'll make another one, only Alex/Sabina :D Enjoy.**

Normal: Me

**Bold: Alex**

_Italics: Sabina_

* * *

From: l8rg8r123

To: Nyxelestia

Subject: Re: Dear Alex

**Nyxelestia,**

**I read your reply to my letters, and I am here, like yourself, to defend many points.**

Can you drop the British lingo? Talk the good ol' American way, for once.

**I do that too much already.**

_At least you don't talk like a preppy stuck up bitch**.**_

Sabina, shut it.

**Stop typing. I need to defend my points.**

**As I was trying to say initially, I am sending this e-mail to counter and agree with many of your topics. First off, what type of girls are you spending time with? Do they really distrust adults, know how to fight, are great with improvisation, and can work on their own like I do? I would like to have their number, address, name-**

_List of hobbies..._

Social security number...

**I suppose I phrased my complaint incorrectly. How many "Beautiful, gorgeous, pretty, clear-faced" spy-material girls are out there that happen to my age?  
**

Hehe, I gave him the quote.

**Save it. The fact that Yassen is/is not alive doesn't bother me. The fact that he's always portrayed as someone with a heart is what annoys me. Though, as for that story of yours, I may read it some day. That would be a first "_Yassen is not a good guy story" _in a while. The fact that I often die is predictable. But I don't believe I am foolish enough to not duck when an insane serial killer pulls out a gun. And the fact that Anthony Horowitz doesn't delve into emotional depths is a good thing. It means I don't have to talk. However, when I find myself in another situation involving a "hot" girl, I suddenly am not...sarcastic.**

**And I am tolerant with pain-**

Hey, you sounded like Edward for a moment.

_Who the hell is Edward?_

Gasp!

_The only Edward I know is Edward Scissorhands, and he doesn't even talk that much._

Oh, Sabina. So young and naïve. You have a lot to learn, young one.

_I'm twenty two._

And I'm three hundred and forty six, what's your point?

_You are not._

How do you know?

_Because you can see and know what a computer is-_

**...**

**My point was, I don't need the painkillers, but the money and the sex...**

I'm going to kick you off my computer if you don't get on with it.

_Well, I still have my complaints to cover-_

You too.

**But the gay thing is still a problem. You already have about ten _hypothetically_ good stories out there, why ruin it more angsty...stuff. While on that subject...Sabina, move back. Don't be scared shitless because people who know me tend to die. The last time someone attempted to murder you, nothing happened, remember? Well, you finger almost got cut off. Almost.**

/facepalm/

**And on the topic of my class going to SAS camps...**

I found about five stories like that under one person's "favourites" pile. I bet there's more. At least ten.

**SAS camps are nasty, not the preparatory schools you keep sending my classmates to. If you get shot, they honestly don't care.** **And fine, _please_, can you consider the plotlines I listed. And never will I write one of these. The most I'm going to do is order Jade right here to do it. Fine, do what you must, but at least make the story good.  
**

I'm liking the idea of you dying more and more.

**And everyone here realizes that if Yassen shagged my dad, I would never be born, correct? Which would make none of this true.**

_It's all an illusion._

Shut up, Sabina.

_Don't make me snap my fingers in a Z formation..._

**/facepalm/ Well, on the subject of your next sentence...Yassen will be sticking to my dad? /swallows/ Thanks, Nyxelestia. Just as I was getting to respect one of you authors.**

Alex, are you in the...fetal position? Hey, Sabina. Look. You kissed..._that dude._

_Ew._

See, horny OC Suethors, you're make-believing love with _him. _Fetal position guy. Gross.

* * *

**That part at the end is weird...But I couldn't just cut it off at "respect one of you authors", could I? Yeah, I made that in all of about ten minutes. After having a LITTLE bit too much sugar.**

**And the other reason why I'm upset is that my play thing ended, and I'm going to miss everyone there.**

**Hmph. Life is soooo unfair.**

**Review I'll stop complaining... :D**


End file.
